Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
