Just fell off a train. Bad.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
