He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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