he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
