dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
