There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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