I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
