i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
