a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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