she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
