Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
