break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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