Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
