i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
