I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
