So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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