"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Shame - the story of my life.
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