do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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