What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
