Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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