How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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