Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
This gyro tastes like lonliness
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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