She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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