hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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