My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You were trust falling into bushes
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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