Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
