Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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