hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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