About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
