Im at strip club and am horny
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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