Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
