soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
