Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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