I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I want her autograph on my taint
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize