Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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