i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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