you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
