saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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