Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
