I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize