I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
