i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
