i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
