I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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