she was so not down for the gang bang
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
