last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
