totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
