Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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