Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
