And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
3 2 1 whiskey
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
