How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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