good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
