new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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