Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize