So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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