you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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