My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
