this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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