Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
