im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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